My room smells like vodka and shame
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
