Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
