I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
