The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
