First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
