I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
