I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I will pee on everything he values.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
