she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
