so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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