why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
