Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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