...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
