she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
