I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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