I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
