you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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