At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
