she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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