In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
