don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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