Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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