Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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