I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Semen is not good for contacts.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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