it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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