Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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