I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
