he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
