i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
two words: eviction party
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
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I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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