Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
