My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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