I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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