It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
