I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
