i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize