I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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