You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
