i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
