I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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