dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
