I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
