Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
