Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
