I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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