don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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