That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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