And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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