some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
