Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
