my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
