shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
