I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
