I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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