Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
