that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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