Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
