yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
