you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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