You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
