He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter