Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.