the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
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I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
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My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.