Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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